GOOD MORNING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! You're listening to the "Too Damned Early" show with me, Maximelion Heckler! Why are we running this show so early? Because I have to work this morning, so SIT DOWN, SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE MUSIC!
Our first song is a new discovery to my personal collection of foreign music, "Pursuing My True Self," from the Persona 4 soundtrack!
LinkEnjoy that?
What?! NO, YOUR MUSIC SUCKS MONKEY'S BALLS! AND THAT WASN'T A SLIP UP OF TENSE! OH YEAH, I WENT THERE!
*clears throat* And now, let's go into our feature presentation this morning, Mr. Max Heckler's guide to writing your own radio station! Max?
Thank you, Max, it's a pleasure to be here, and also hello to your wonderful audience, who've taken the time to listen to this channel. Before we begin, Max wants me to mention there has been some sort of incident on the I223 heading out of Chicago, so if you're traveling in that area, traffic is backed up for miles, watch out.
You, I, anyone who's literate, all can create radio stations here. Let me walk you through it, step by step.
Step 1: You need a keyboard. Most important thing. Your keyboard won't work though. You need something better. Another keyboard. Same kind as your current one. Got it? Great. Now get some duct tape and tape those beyotches together. BOOM, you've got a keyboard capable of typing out your new radio station!
Step 2: A computer. You need one of those too, but one that's not duct taped will work. It just won't be as airtight or cool. If you don't have a computer, you can still do it, but it's a bit trickier. You see, you need to take a lot of LSD and Acid, then subconciously will the words you type into existance. Simple, really.
Step 3: Content. You need content, of course. You may be wondering "But what about the music!" This is a radio station. There is no music. Now stop being silly.
Step 4: Yell. This is important, you have to YELL AND SCREAM. This can be achieved through capital letters, and a lot of exclamation points, but is best done by typing out what you want to say normally, then go back and replace the periods.
Step 5: Sacrafices. A small goat will suffice, but naked and willing virgins are better, ideally with a vast quantity of whipped cream. Holly and I really enjoy them.
Step 6: Non-Sequitar. Best summed up by the world's most powerful medical professional, Dr. John Dorian, "We're gonna need a WHOLE lotta lawn gnomes!"
Step 7: HYPOCRACY.
THANK YOU MAX! WE LOVE YOU! HAVE SEX WITH US! Next up, BEYOTCHING MUSIC!
Everything, by Limewax.
And that's it for today's show! I'd keep going, but it's no longer late here! This is Glorious Master of Markensonian Republic Maximelion Heckler signing off!
OBEY!